Arcade's Roundup

BIG XII - TAMU

The Texas A&M Molten Aggies are playing yet another season of pretend internet football under the giant hat leadership of Coach Allen129. Last season, the Aggies had finished with a 12-2 record, a #15 final ranking, and a Peach Bowl victory. Or, as Texas Longhorn fans call it, “a fluke.” We here at Pretend Internet Sports News weren’t so sure, so we sent in a crack team of investigators, who subsequently got drunk, went streaking, were shoved into an unmarked van and haven’t been heard from since. Therefore, we’re forced to rely on heresay and rumor.

OFFENSE: Coach Allen likes to throw the ball, and last season the Molten Aggies threw the ball twice as much as ran it. Fortunately, he returns a fairly solid passing crew, led by Sr* QB Sam Humphrey, who threw for 5,383 yards & 50 TDs, completing 60% of passes with only 8 Ints. Humphrey is joined by one of the best WRs in the game, Sr WR John Mathis (93rec 1380yds 11td), who heads a solid receiving corp. They’re joined by one of the best TEs in the game, Jr* TE Raymond Duncan, and highly regarded Sr* RB George Roberts. Roberts hasn’t had much opportunity to show what he can do yet, as he sat parked behind star RB Ernie Parks. Word has it Roberts had planned to transfer away from TAMU, but then Coach A put a Pokestop (Did i get that right?) outside his dorm, and Roberts never made it past the front door (Seriously, look at his player profile, and how happy he looks). If Coach A can now get his attention back, he’ll be a dangerous weapon that could make any team but Texas respect the Aggie run game. Oh yeah, the OL only lost one starter, too. In short, the offense will only be better this season.

DEFENSE: The silver lining is that the entire starting D-Line returns from s124, and there is a lot of talent there. The dark cloud then comes rolling in, as the Aggies lost three of their top four LBs and three of their top four DBs. Returning Jr* LB Anthony Mason will need to be everywhere at once, as the rest of the LBs will likely struggle to keep up with the speed of the Big 12 Elites. There is a little more quality depth at DB, but overall, the talent level will not be quite as good as s124.

OUTLOOK: The Longhorns also return last season’s starting QB, Jr* Ron Molina, have a running back as good as QB Roberts, return three WRs equal to WR Mathis, a better overall OL, and a crazy good and deep LB corp and D-backfield. The one place the Aggies have better talent is the D-line, though it will have to go up against the Longhorn OL. Well, anyway, that’s the program outlook according to Texas A&M’s school President, Dusty McLongface. As for the rest of us, let’s congratulate Coach A on putting together a better D-line than Texas, otherwise known as Shai-Hulud, the God Emperor in His Thousand Year Reign of Wilkinson. It’s unfair that the Wilkinson downtrodden look to TAMU to be the one to bring down Shai-Hulud, but there it is.

BELLWETHER GAME: Week 1 at Washington. The most even matchup of the season on paper. In the rest, Coach A is either a clear underdog or favorite. A win here will lift the hopes of Aggie nation to bringing down one of the three elites ahead on the schedule.

EXPECTED FINISH: 10-3