The Ivy Informer

In these barbaric days of recruiting the northeast, the Ivy League shines forth like a beacon of civility. Our fine institutions should be an example for the inferior conferences such as the illiterate A10 or the witless Northeast conference. Perhaps evolution will eventually manifest in these localities and proper etiquette will prove victorious. Until then the anticipated result of this season’s recruiting efforts will be a complete windfall for the Ivy elites. I am quite sure our own complex rating system for future student athletes are outside of your comprehension and I can assure you that the Ivy will have a clean sweep of all the top positions. Please don’t be confused by the unsophisticated GUESS ratings or the unrefined Media Guides that fail to realize the subtleties and complexities involved in building the most intelligent and effective football teams possible. They often praise leagues such as the OVC and promote their values above all reason. Those slack jaw yokels should first try to conquer such mysteries as indoor plumbing and footwear before being compared to the clearly superior Ivy League. In conclusion, the advanced concepts and remarkable intellect displayed by our precious Ivy League institutions shall always prevail over the effort of our ignorant competitors.